Uh, hi. I'm MAN... Or Plonk, or Kevin, Ash, Brandon... Whatever you want to call me, really. I'm 20 as of writing this, and since I'm bad at segues... I'm kind of a huge jerk. I used to not know this, causing whatever bullshit drama to happen in the friendgroup I fell in with, but now I almost always keep to myself since I know how awful I can be. With that, most of my "enrichment" comes from what's in my room. Mainly my PC, where I play games and try to make something to express myself. I'm pretty bad both, usually rocking the bottom of the HL:DM leaderboard and only making really crappy beats in FL when I'm bored, or making a doodle once every blue moon when the shame isn't as unbearable.
Shame is the biggest thing I struggle with. I feel shameful for existing, most of the time. People don't really like me, but when I try to change to be better, I get taken advantage of, so it kind of ends up a feedback loop of "I need to be a better person" to "bitches ain't shit, I don't need to do anything!"
Please don't do that. Be kind, but be firm in your assertions. Don't back down, but understand where the other person is coming from. I can't really do that on instinct, and it's something I have to remind myself daily.
This overwhelming sense of shame is what keeps me in bed most days. Whenever I pick up the pencil, or open my work to do for the day, I get the creeping feeling that it won't matter soon enough since I'll cause another scene in some part of my life, sending my progress back down to zero. Fail a test, lash out at a friend, break a computer part, you get the idea. When you think like that, it really does feel enticing to just lay back and stay in bed for the day, right?
I do believe people shouldn't feel shame for these things, though. Messing up is an essential part of life, you WILL make mistakes and it WILL be embarassing. Shame isn't a good motivator, it's a crippling delusion that freezes people in place from doing something great, so, don't end up like me!
Overtime, I've tried to get into a few things to try and keep me sane, mostly drawing and writing. I love trying to convey a message through words, pictures, sound... To try and make someone feel the same way I do about a topic, to briefly change their perspective and drop themselves in mine, or someone else's shoes. A feeling that is totally alien and uncomfortable to one could be familiar and inviting to another. Trying to convey that in art is a fun passtime.
I also really like to draw. Not to get better, or to show "my world" or whatever, but just to make little dudes and slam them together like action figures. I like character design and fights, in particular. I'm NOT good at it, though, I barely even know how to separate my sketches from my lines, but given it's all in good fun, I don't think I need to "take it to another level."
I might have set up the OC panel one day. You'll see some of that energy there, albeit subdued. I've gotten less "edgy" overtime, so I don't put as much thought into what i want to "say" with my little dudes. It mainly comes from short stories that I'll NEVER, EVER publish out of embarassment.
But, hey, this is the secret zone you get by brute forcing URLs, maybe I'll drop a couple for you, as a treat.